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Questions [Dec. 1st, 2009|03:41 pm]
[Current Mood |indifferentindifferent]

You know when you are having those days when everything just seems distant? Like you start to feel like everything could just be let go at a moments notice? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?
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All By Myself.............. [May. 1st, 2009|12:15 pm]
[Current Location |My Office]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |Pink - Family Portrait]

I'm not sure why, but I have realized that I am feeling very lonely, and I want it to stop. Now don't think that this is a post where I am saying that I wish that I had more friends, or where I wish that I had a man in my life, or where I wish that I was more charismatic, etc., because it's not. Now granted, I would like all of those things, but I am not trying to bitch about how I don't have them. What I am more interested in is learning how to fee more complete within myself, more self-satisfied. Not to brag, but I can think of someone who I could go to hang out with and maybe even fuck, but how much does that really do for you? It's not someone who I have sincerely deep feelings for, so why put him or myself through any of that? I would much rather just learn how to be more self sufficient emotionally. I live on my own, and I spend most of my time at work or by myself at home, so it's dumb of me to think that my only good times are when I am out hanging out with my friends. As of late, most of us do our own thing; most either want to stay in their own houses doing nothing or they want to hang out with other people that they know. I mean, I don't assume that I am the only friend that anyone has, so it's no big thing. My issue comes from those times when I want to do something, but because I have no one to do it with, I choose not to do it at all. Does that even make sense?? I remember when I was younger and I would hear people say that they wouldn't go to a restaurant or somewhere else without someone else to go with, I would think that they are crazy. And look at me now! Somewhere between playing with mud in my childhood back yard and mapping out my 401(k) I became one of those people! I am a little angry, a little sad, and very confused. When does it happen?? When do you become dependent on your friends? and clearly I am directing this at those who this applies to, as I would never presume that most people go through this. I mean, I know those people who can do things by themselves, literally do thousands of things in a day and never connect with anyone that they know, and I am not one of them. How do I become one of them? Then again, for as long as I can remember I have always preferred to do things with other people. I have always love the pleasure of a shared experience. I can go to a movie by myself, but it's really fun to talk with someone else who has seen it about our personal thoughts on the movie. It's gonna be harder than I thought.

Maybe the reason why I cannot get myself to go out and do things by myself is because I don't have the choice......... Maybe if I had people who I could go to hang out with, I would do more things by myself. I dunno, all I know is that the space between where I am and Walden Pond is seeming further and further.
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In search of my Life [Apr. 22nd, 2009|12:14 pm]
[Current Location |my office]
[Current Mood |energeticeager]

I'm not doing enough living.

"You have to live, live, LIVE! Life's a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!" - Auntie Mame
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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2009|02:46 pm]
[Current Location |My desk at work]
[Current Mood |sillysilly]
[Current Music |Sara Bareilles - Gravity]

Do you ever find yourself taking yourself too seriously?

I have a nice little studio apartment, and I find myself not decorating it because I don't want it to look silly. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I can get pretty silly at times. I have video footage of me acting a FOOL back in high school, and some pretty incriminating pictures of myself in college being all kinds of foolish in college (fyi, when drunk, i can do a mean drag impersonation of a crazy Caribbean bag lady, although not on purpose....), but for some reason, towards the end of my college career and my entrance into the working world, somewhere along the line I got the idea that seriousness (i don't know if that's a word but it sounds good) translated into maturity. So while I have bought a few random items for my apartment, like a shitload of free strings of xmas lights and a framed collage of Audrey Hepburn photos that i bought from a street vendor in NYC, I have not posted any of them in my apartment for fear that it will look tacky and childish. Why do I do that? Whose approval am I searching for? 

Well, to a degree, there is someone whose approval that I am searching for.....sort of. Now before I say this, feel no need to slap the shit out of me, I have already mentally done it. So save your manicures, my face isn't worth it.

This guy I met last summer, Franklin, seemed to be everything that I wanted to be, and was someone that I could see myself being with. He was intelligent, driven, and had a strong idea of who he was, I skill that I am always just shy of mastering. He was living out here in dc by himself, taking care of himself, working full time, interning on Capitol Hill, and actually has aspirations of becoming president one day, with a tangible plan of action that's been put into place. However, beyond his modest-yet-tasteful studio apartment in the Foggy Botom area of DC, just blocks from Georgetown, the one thing that occurred to me was this: he takes himself waaay too seriously.  I mean, that is not to say that he doesn't laugh at anything or go out to a club, but when he does laugh he never brings himself to tears or snorts or almost makes a drink come out of his nose, and when he goes to a club, I can almost guarantee that he doesn't cut any kind of rug. So despite my admiration for his focus and drive, I do not admire how guarded he keeps himself and how he never lets his metaphoric hair down (i say metaphoric because i have never seen his hair longer than mine, which I never allow to grow longer than about 3/4 of an inch). As much as I would like to be seen by the world as an adult, I don't want to be seen as a stick in the mud. So put that hand back down and get out of the pimp-slapping stance.

I remember when I was in college, and I was kindof feeling like my room lacked a certain sense of, oh i dunno, whimsy. So, I got out some calendars that I bought for cheap at a book store (why i felt the urge to buy them in the first place i can't recall), one was Winnie the Pooh, and one was The Wizard of Oz , Judy Garland not L. Frank Baum, and I just ripped them up and put random shots of Winnie the Pooh an Lumpy the Heffalump in my room along with images of Dorothy and the Tin Man. When people walked in, they would be like "umm....yeah, how old are you?" followed by "umm....yeah, how gay are you?" but I didn't care. Whenever I walked in my room, I always had something to smile at whenever I was having a shitty day.

I think that you cannot let what your perception of what getting older will be like get in the way of what getting older actually is like. Sometimes you need a good laugh, sometimes you need a good tantrum (or outburst, as adults like to euphemistically refer to it), and sometimes you just need to run around in circles and then fall down in the middle of a grassy field. What is life without a little humor? My answer: Hell.

Now if you'll excuse me, I had Thai for lunch, and all the curry goodness is making me sleepy. But when I get home, I think that I will be adding a little whimsy to my apartment.

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Random Thoughts [Mar. 16th, 2009|09:54 pm]
[Current Location |My thinking chair]
[Current Mood |hornyhorny]
[Current Music |Gossip Girl on DVR]

1. I have discovered Jack Spade...... I am in love.

2. When was the last time that you had sex? I feel like I am churning butter in my loins.

3. United States of Tara is the best new tv show of the year. Well, next to RuPaul's Drag Race.

3a. I am recently infatuated with Diablo Cody: she was a stripper, she wrote Juno, and she writes United States of Tara. Two thumbs up.

4. I need to go out more. Not just one day a week. I need to start working to live, instead of living to work. A guy at my high school once gave a speech about "fishing for the fish, and fishing for the fishing". As fulfilling as fishing for the fish can be, you will always get more spiritually from fishing for the fishing.

5. I should be drunk right now. Maybe if I click my heels three times, a margarita will magically appear in my mouth.....

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Relationships [Mar. 13th, 2009|12:07 pm]
[Current Location |My office]
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Current Music |Oceano - josh groban]

When is it acceptable to give relationship advice to a friend? I mean, as a friend, I always have my friend's best interest in mind, but as of late I have learned to either be positive or shut up. Seeing as how I have not been in a serious long term relationship in a while (and if you don't count 6 months or less, then I never have been), so I always feel like I don't have any right to say anything. I think that when I hear my friend's talk about their relationship problems, it is after they have already worked out their decision about what to do next, so any point I would make is futile regardless. Lately I tend to just not even listen to hard to my friend's relationship problems, but is that ok? I mean, I want to be a good friend, but I feel that when they talk about it it's just because they want to, in a sense, purge the information from their brain, not so much to confide in me, but to just take away the pressure in their head.

Some feel that when you start talking to your friends about your problems it means that your relationship is on it's way out. But shouldn't it be the other way around? When you don't talk about your problems, it's probably going to eat away at you until you crack, or you'll just start dying a little on the inside. But then again, I am not speaking from personal experience, and I'm sure that that has something to do with my perspective of it all.
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Dreams........... [Feb. 27th, 2009|03:47 pm]
[Current Location |My office]
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]
[Current Music |a co-worker talking to someone in spanish]

So, the night before last, I had a dream. It was very strange this dream, and I was reacquainted with someone that I lost touch with a few years ago. This wasn't anyone that I was ever romantically involved with, just someone that I was really good friends with, and I, in a sense, selfishly abandoned them, at probably one of the worst times that I could have. It has haunted me, even to this day. In reality, I look at the phone, I look at a piece of paper, I look at my social networking page, and the first thing that I think of is sending this person some sort of message. Some message that says "I'm sorry for being an asshole. I'm sorry for not reaching out more, I am sorry for not being there for you in any way that I can." However, once again, each time I look at the phone, I dial a different number, each time I pick up a sheet of paper, I write something else, and every time that I go on facebook or whatever, I send a message to someone other than that person. It just never feels like the right time for me to admit that I fucked up as a friend.

But in this dream, it was the right time. We were at a wedding, and I do not know what made me come, but the person was getting married. They were up at the altar, and they were smiling, and I was sitting in the pews hiding behind a rather large woman in the row in front of me. And just as I thought that my friend would see me, there was a commotion at the other end of my row; some late-comer trying to snag one of the last seats. And as I look a few people down from me, it's my friend: wearing different non-marital garments, and smiling away like it is another great day, and my friend is actually looking at me. ME. Of all people, while this wedding is going on, my friend decided to invest all of their attention to me. So, as I sit there, watching my friend getting married as well as sitting next to me, I feel so ashamed. I am feeling so guilty for even coming, and just as I think that I am about to get attacked right there in that church, the embodiment of my friend sitting next to me just starts asking about how I have been, and catching me up on what they have been up to. I begin to relax, and then my friend reaches out, and we hug. And it isn't a polite no-hip-contact-and-two-pats-on-the-back hug, but a long, drawn out, soul-healing hug. And at that moment all of my previous mistakes and wrong-doings had been washed away, and we were just old friends, enjoying a wedding and a moment. Although it never really happened, for a moment, when I first awoke, I felt better than I have in a long time. I got up, put in my contacts and got ready for work, and have still not contacted my old friend.

But a guy can dream, can't he?
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What to do, what to do........ [Feb. 13th, 2009|03:07 pm]
[Current Location |My office]
[Current Mood |scaredscared]
[Current Music |Kanye West - Paranoid]

So, in regards to the last small entry that I did last Sunday, I have a somewhat major dilemma. My Dilemma is this: I have a friend that might in fact have to move in with me. Into my small, just-cozy-enough-to-fit-me studio apartment. So not only would it me a very small area of space to share, but there would also be NO WALLS...... as in NOWHERE TO HIDE. I mean I love her as a friend, I do, but when she comes and stays with me, I cannot wait for her to leave! We just do not vibe in terms of living conditions (she goes to bed late and wakes up even later, and I am the opposite usually, she cannot cook and has no money, I can cook but have no money, so when I cook it is just for me usually. And she rarely speaks once she is awake, it's like every time she goes to sleep she wakes up jet-lagged. she would literally wake up at 6pm everyday and go to bed at 6am, it kinda makes me sick....), so it just would not work. And I am sure that someone might think, "ok, so then why the hell would you live with her?" and the question is, there might not be another choice.

See, because of a series of unfortunate events (one of them being that her mother and grandmother are cunts), her lesbian booty might be out on the streets. She is in a too expensive school, and they can't seem to find enough money for her. Her mother told her to not come back at the age of 18, and her grandmother has been an asshole since she found out that her granddaughter was gay. There was another incident where the grandmother felt that my friend acted irresponsibly, yet and still, the fact that she would tell her own family member that if she is in fact kicked out of school that she cannot come to stay with her boggle my mind. Can I reiterate the fact that I want to throw these two women into a cage full of hungry lions?? Nevertheless, I cannot and will not in good conscience let one of my friends live in a homeless shelter because of no fault of their own. So in comes the issue.

Basically, unless she can find someone to lend her the money, or find someone else to stay with, then she will be coming back to DC, and she will be staying with me. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

I am seriously worried. Like the last 2 times that she has come to stay with me, our friendship has been stretched further, and further, and it is getting ready to approach the breaking point. Now we have been friends for about 4 years, and I really don't want something like this to ruin it, but there are 2 things that I know:

1. If it comes down to her staying with me or her staying in a homeless shelter, she will be staying with me.
2. If she stays with me, I will be absolutely miserable until the day that she leaves.

Is it wrong to think of it in terms like this? Should I just be thankful that I have the opportunity ti help out a friend in need? The Angelical side of me seems to think so, but the Devlish, more realistic side of me is saying "The fuck she's coming to stay with me......."

I dunno, I mean, I don't want to make a friend feel unwanted, but at the same time, my personal feelings have to count for something, right? I feel like I am back in leadership class in high school, and I am trying to decipher whether or not this is an ethical dilemma, or moral temptation........

But also, there is something else to it: I am not the only person who the girl is friends with, but I seem to be the only one who doesn't live with someone else. And in a very Carrie Bradshaw-esque way, I am starting to feel like I am being single-bashed. Yes, single bashed. My friend Esteban's bf does not like her, so they are discounted from the running, and since there are 2 of them living in one studio, it would be a stretch as it is. But I can almost be sure that it is because of his dislike, not the size of the apt. All of her other friends are in couples as well, and it just "seems like an imposition" to ask them to open up their private space to someone else. But what about me????? Me, in my small Studio APARTMENT?!

As the possibility of her arrival seems to get greater and greater, my fear of that day more and more real. HELP. What is a friend to do? Assuming that faking my own death isn't an option. Or is it?
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Letting Things Go Feels So Good.......... [Feb. 7th, 2009|01:39 am]
[Current Location |My Apartment]
[Current Mood |relaxedrelaxed]
[Current Music |How I met Your Mother & Plain White T's - Let Me Take You There]

Have you ever had a situation approach that seemed SOO big, but when it finally came it was totally anticlimactic? I guess I should go ahead and explain, but the situation is actually in my bathroom taking a shower, and I don't want her to come out and find me writing this......... I'll explain later. But I have full intentions of writing this later. Talk to you again soon.
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it has been a loooooooooooooong time............ [Feb. 4th, 2009|10:05 pm]
[Current Location |My apartment]
[Current Mood |rejuvenatedrejuvenated]
[Current Music |Real World Brooklyn, followed by Turning me on - Keri Hilson]

Well, it was time.

I came back to my livejournal page last week and I saw that the last time that i had written in it was February 4, 2008. So, I thought that it would be very special for me to start back exactly a year after i left off. Here we go................

The last time that I made an entry was when I was completely wrapped up in my looming college graduation. And although I was not allowing myself to be afraid of the prospect of not being employed then, it was definitely a major issue come graduation day.

Although I will not even get into the wild story that is my graduation day now, I think that this is something that I should add to this journal at some point. but for today, let's stick to a basic update.

Now, I am living in DC, however, I am now living by myself in a cozy (pretty small) studio in NW DC, and it's in a much better area than my other apartment was. Although my other apartment looked great, and the location was pretty convenient to school, as a college graduate, the neighborhood was not for me, and I really wasn't interested in living near Howard anymore.

In spite of the very real chance that I would not have a job, through a series of fortunate (and not so fortunate) events, I have a job at a small event planning firm in the Georgetown area. Although it doesn't quite pay as much as I would like it to, it's a great job. I get to travel across the country in the summer (working mostly, but still) and the people I work with are pretty great as well. I have been working full time there since December, after having worked there all summer as a seasonal temp. Since most of our events happen in the summer, it felt kindof weird coming in the middle of winter to work full time.

There hasn't been much romance in the past year, so i can skip over that for now. ok, so now onto the present:

Well, today was the first day since I have been back to work that I felt like I completely earned my paycheck. i spent my day updating multiple databases, designing registration websites and basically just being a bitch for anyone who needed me to be. It's days like this when I actually feel the happiest at work. For a while, when I first got hired on full time, all I could think was "why exactly did they hire someone for this position?" and my immediate next thought would be "I hope that they don't start thinking the same thing soon". It's not that i don't think that I can do the job, but it was just that there didn't seem to be a job there for me to do. but luckily, things started falling into place and now I feel like part of our little machine.

But my transition to where I am now was not as smooth as I am making it sound. Back in June, right after I graduated, while me and my two friends still had about 4 months on our lease, they decided to bounce. Not with much warning, they began looking for a new roommate to pay their combined part of the lease, so they wound up finding a 20-yr-old transgendered girl from PA. She was a pretty cool chick/guy/person. However, as a roommate, she wasn't really my kindof roommate. There were just some things that made me really mad that I was kindof left in my situation by my two friends. But eventually, the lease was up, and I was once again on the search for a place to stay. What followed was a very strange, very awkward stint where I was living with my sister in Maryland. Her with her Type A personality, her husband with his propensity to be alone and his general condescending nature, and her baby, whom although I LOVE TO DEATH *pictures definitely to come*, having her on the other side of my bedroom wall made my bedtime essentially 8:30. This lasted for 4 months. It basically consisted of me leaving work every night, going directly to the train to ride it for an hour, getting back to their house, eating dinner, and going to bed every night. It was boring, very painful, and I could not wait for it to be over. I was 22 yrs old living like I was a 40 yr old married straight man. No fun, no sex, no prospect of sex. It's not very fun trolling for trade on our once-a-week visits to Wal-mart and Costco. But as soon as I was hired on full time, I started searching for a place to live, and as soon as I found a place that I could afford and was in NW DC, I was on it! So I now live in DC again, and I really love it. I just like having the options that I did not have for the 4 months that I was living with my sister. Oh, and did I mention, that I was paying rent?????? $450 a month, to eat one meal a day, do my laundry about once a month, and spend most of my time playing Man-nanny to my niece and helping my sister baby proof her house because my brother-in-law kept finding passive aggressive ways to avoid it....... but enough of that now, that period is over. But now I am like a war veteran, having random flashbacks of the horror that I used to live daily.

I am really happy that I wrote on this page again. Although it does not feel quite as easy as it did in my head, I think that this is something that I need. i am constantly discovering over and over that i need to write. I am not saying that I am an exceptional writer, or that I can even write correctly, but I NEED to write. When I am not writing, I am brooding, letting my emotions bubble under the surface. Writing is the only way that I can actually release my feelings. I wish that I could vocalize my feelings better, but sometimes nothing gets it out of me better than just writing stream of consciousness style like this. Although I am sure that anyone reading this will be like "this shit is long, this shit is all over the place, and this shit isn't that interesting", but right now I am actually not completely obsessed with what other people are thinking of me. That's what writing does for me actually. I have been writing on another site for a while, www.takealookinmylens.com, but it just doesn't feel quite as personal as this one did for me. I still intend to keep that one going, but I think that this one can be the one that call home. It just feels so much safer for all of my personal thoughts, and it's just familiar. Well, I think that this was very beneficial. Hopefully it won't be very long before I return. This page is kindof like Narnia for me. I don't visit it as often as I should, but whenever I do, it awakens something inside of me. Night
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