||[Feb. 27th, 2009|03:47 pm]
|||||a co-worker talking to someone in spanish||]|
So, the night before last, I had a dream. It was very strange this dream, and I was reacquainted with someone that I lost touch with a few years ago. This wasn't anyone that I was ever romantically involved with, just someone that I was really good friends with, and I, in a sense, selfishly abandoned them, at probably one of the worst times that I could have. It has haunted me, even to this day. In reality, I look at the phone, I look at a piece of paper, I look at my social networking page, and the first thing that I think of is sending this person some sort of message. Some message that says "I'm sorry for being an asshole. I'm sorry for not reaching out more, I am sorry for not being there for you in any way that I can." However, once again, each time I look at the phone, I dial a different number, each time I pick up a sheet of paper, I write something else, and every time that I go on facebook or whatever, I send a message to someone other than that person. It just never feels like the right time for me to admit that I fucked up as a friend.
But in this dream, it was the right time. We were at a wedding, and I do not know what made me come, but the person was getting married. They were up at the altar, and they were smiling, and I was sitting in the pews hiding behind a rather large woman in the row in front of me. And just as I thought that my friend would see me, there was a commotion at the other end of my row; some late-comer trying to snag one of the last seats. And as I look a few people down from me, it's my friend: wearing different non-marital garments, and smiling away like it is another great day, and my friend is actually looking at me. ME. Of all people, while this wedding is going on, my friend decided to invest all of their attention to me. So, as I sit there, watching my friend getting married as well as sitting next to me, I feel so ashamed. I am feeling so guilty for even coming, and just as I think that I am about to get attacked right there in that church, the embodiment of my friend sitting next to me just starts asking about how I have been, and catching me up on what they have been up to. I begin to relax, and then my friend reaches out, and we hug. And it isn't a polite no-hip-contact-and-two-pats-on-the-back hug, but a long, drawn out, soul-healing hug. And at that moment all of my previous mistakes and wrong-doings had been washed away, and we were just old friends, enjoying a wedding and a moment. Although it never really happened, for a moment, when I first awoke, I felt better than I have in a long time. I got up, put in my contacts and got ready for work, and have still not contacted my old friend.
But a guy can dream, can't he?