|All By Myself..............
||[May. 1st, 2009|12:15 pm]
|||||Pink - Family Portrait||]|
I'm not sure why, but I have realized that I am feeling very lonely, and I want it to stop. Now don't think that this is a post where I am saying that I wish that I had more friends, or where I wish that I had a man in my life, or where I wish that I was more charismatic, etc., because it's not. Now granted, I would like all of those things, but I am not trying to bitch about how I don't have them. What I am more interested in is learning how to fee more complete within myself, more self-satisfied. Not to brag, but I can think of someone who I could go to hang out with and maybe even fuck, but how much does that really do for you? It's not someone who I have sincerely deep feelings for, so why put him or myself through any of that? I would much rather just learn how to be more self sufficient emotionally. I live on my own, and I spend most of my time at work or by myself at home, so it's dumb of me to think that my only good times are when I am out hanging out with my friends. As of late, most of us do our own thing; most either want to stay in their own houses doing nothing or they want to hang out with other people that they know. I mean, I don't assume that I am the only friend that anyone has, so it's no big thing. My issue comes from those times when I want to do something, but because I have no one to do it with, I choose not to do it at all. Does that even make sense?? I remember when I was younger and I would hear people say that they wouldn't go to a restaurant or somewhere else without someone else to go with, I would think that they are crazy. And look at me now! Somewhere between playing with mud in my childhood back yard and mapping out my 401(k) I became one of those people! I am a little angry, a little sad, and very confused. When does it happen?? When do you become dependent on your friends? and clearly I am directing this at those who this applies to, as I would never presume that most people go through this. I mean, I know those people who can do things by themselves, literally do thousands of things in a day and never connect with anyone that they know, and I am not one of them. How do I become one of them? Then again, for as long as I can remember I have always preferred to do things with other people. I have always love the pleasure of a shared experience. I can go to a movie by myself, but it's really fun to talk with someone else who has seen it about our personal thoughts on the movie. It's gonna be harder than I thought.
Maybe the reason why I cannot get myself to go out and do things by myself is because I don't have the choice......... Maybe if I had people who I could go to hang out with, I would do more things by myself. I dunno, all I know is that the space between where I am and Walden Pond is seeming further and further.